Tonight my purpose in life was was made clearer.  I found out I'm not part angel which I like to say, but I'm someone much more rare.  I am what a human being should be.  I am intensely compassionate and honestly, authentically loving.  I love totally and unconditionally.  No matter what.  The level of compassion and love I have is too intense for most.  Too honest for most.  I don't hold back because I'm not afraid.

When I ask a friend how are you? or why are you sad? I am asking because I CARE TO KNOW and I can listen and be there if they need me too.  I don't need to hear, "Sorry for dumping" or "I don't want to bother you with it."   I wouldn't have asked if I couldn't handle the "burden".  People need help and I'm alive on this great Earth at this time to help people.  That's what we're all here for but we all can't do it all the time or don't want to bother to it much at all.  I can and I will.  I don't close off my heart because I'm not afraid to get hurt.  If one turns me down there is another who  is willing.

There is a line from one of my favorite songs that goes:

I am looking for someone who can take as much as I give and give back as much as I need, you kow and they still have the will to live.

Will I find someone strong enough to take what I have to give?  I have hope that says I will.  But it may take a while.

Thoughts I Have of what could've beens and maybe ifs, sweet-scented rememberances of vain imaginings.  Brief moments of courage and foolhardiness.  Notes remembered and silly dreams unrealized.  I take pride in the bold steps taken and the happiness nurtured although it needs be left behind to be swept up after the carnival has gone.  Useless are regrets, best kept in mind are the chances not taken, the road left unexplored. 

In trying to look good and avoid looking bad to my friends and family I strived too hard to defend my actions.  That was the way I was because I wanted them to respect me, like me and look up to me.  In doing so I was being very inauthentic.  I defended myself without regard to the truth or their feelings.

The reason I did this was because I felt like I had to defend myself, no one else would.  I didn't want to be wrong.  Being wrong was bad and I had to look good in order to be appealing.  I had lived the life of a victim so long I felt like I had to defend The Child at all times.

One of the stories I had lived my life by was that I was a helpless, defenseless unimportant and unattractive child.  So I protected myself at all cost and I would do anything to please others so they would like me. As a young First Grader I used to think I was very ugly.  I would stand in the schoolyard facing the wall tugging at my eyelashes in an effort to make them longer.  If they were longer I would be better looking and the other children would want to play with me.  As an adult I suppose I felt I couldn't be wrong because that would make me look bad and I couldn't do that.  I had to be right and I had to be attractive and I had to do anything for others so I would look good.

The impact that had on my life is I had been living a life that was not authentic, not fulfilling and certainly not powerful.  I actually made myself look worse by seeming to be uncaring of others and worse by not living up to most of my promises.  Thus I gave my friends and former wife a Rafael that was not true.  A Rafael that was a fraction of I could be.  One unfortunate aspect of living life that way is now my friends may never get to know Rafael Antonio, the new emerging, evolving me that knows a life of authenticity is a life of power and fulfillment.  I go to Florida without them getting to know who I've become. 

Look out Orlando, Rafael Antonio is on his way!

Love, Rafael Antonio

In the Bahá'i Faith we have no clergy.  The affairs of the local Bahá'i community are overseen by a 9 person assembly called the Local Spritual Assembly and other than saying the marriage vow, a couple of obligatory prayers and a funeral prayer there are no set rituals.  Devotions are left to the individual and the community.  I began holding a devotional program on Sunday mornings before the scheduled talk given by a volunteer and todays devotional was timely so I'd like to share it with whomever care to read selections I gleaned from the devotional I prepared.  What follows are some of the selected quotes from the world's Holy Scriptures and a couple of Native American Holy sayings.

I'm not a sexual obsessive, I'm an artist!  ^_^


How Sex Influences Art
05-Dec-2005



Steve Connor writes in the Independent about a new study showing that artists and poets have more sexual partners than ordinary people. This is true for women as well as men, and may be because sex is linked with creativity in the brain.
A survey found that creative people have twice as many sexual liaisons as non-artists. Many artists, writers and actors have been famous womanizers, who left behind many illegitimate children as well as resentful sexual partners.
The rest of us might think that people seek out these partners because they're dazzled by their fame and fortune, but that doesn't appear to play a major role. UK researcher David Nettle didn't only study celebrities—he studied little known artists as well, and found his theory still held true. n
He asked 425 men and women about the number of sexual partners they’d had, including one-night stands. The study found the average number of partners for artists and poets was 4 to 10, while uncreative people had to be content with only about 3.
Evolutionist Geoffrey Miller, who wrote a book called The Mating Mind, thinks that artistic ability may have evolved as a form of human sexual display. He also thinks that men are more promiscuous than women, something most women would agree with. However, Nettle's study found no difference in sex drive between the sexes.
Nettle's study may help to explain a connection between schizophrenia, which affects about 1% of people, and serious artists, who share many of the same personality traits. Historians think that Van Gogh may have had schizophrenic tendencies. A genetic tendency towards schizophrenia could also lead a person to become an artist.


I have long concidered myself a man of dual natures.  The fact is we all are dualistic as we have our spiritual side and our material side.  Some of us are in balance, which is what I strive for, while others lean more or much more to one side or the other.  As it pertains to me there are times when I find myself in somewhat of a battle.  I know, love and embrace my spiritual nature.  The divine spark within me.  What others see as The Angel.  In my service to my Faith and in my daily life I work on my spiritual side.  I often fail but never give up.  I practice chastity to the best of my current abilities.  Let me tell you it is a tough battle for I also am a very passionate and sensual being, sexually speaking.  Of course there is much more to being passionate and sensual than sex.  I am passionate about my beliefs and my loves and when it comes to the five senses I am very sensual.  I love the feel of the sun on my body and the feeling of the breeze.  I love the taste of good food and the sound of great music and I love the beauty and divinity of nature and visual arts. So I am very sensual in that respect.  Now concerning sexual intimacy and love-making I am very secure and at peace with that aspect of my nature.  Sure, intercourse is off limits to me due to being single but that does not mean I don't miss it terribly and fantasize about it.  The thing is I am very, very much a sexual being also.  That apparently, according to the above article, is due to my creative nature.  I also know a big part of it is due to sexual abuse.  It opens sexuality, even in this negative way, to a person early in life. I won't get into the details here because this is primarilly about  sexuality and the creative individual. What I what to say here is that I agree with this article although I don't condone promiscuous sexual behaviour.  The article makes a valid point in comparing sexual activity with creativity.  A very creative person tends to be a very open-minded person and that open-mindedness can extend to the sexual arena.   My next blog will be the inclusion of an email response I got from someone I sent the article to who like me was sexually abused at a young age.